Thursday, April 8, 2010

Some days I don't like me.....

This shot really has nothing to do with what is on my mind today.
What I want to talk about today is my overwhelming jealousy. And not for the reasons anyone thinks. Ok, so I'm Mexican/Italian, hot blooded with all that goes with that. I am NOT easy to live with, after 45 years I know that about me and accept it.
Nope, my jealousy today is all about the lapband. Over the last few years Honey and I put on way too much weight. She was having tummy issues and we both were getting close to hypertension issues. She really wants to play football again, but because of the weight she really couldn't, she couldn't even really play slow pitch softball. And she loves playing softball.
So, off we went to the doctor to find out about how the lapband worked, if it was right for her, etc. I was on board. I didn't (and don't) like seeing her in pain. She was taking antacids everyday which really isn't good for anyone.
The way it works is for three to six months one is under a nutritionists care to see if weight loss can be achieved that way and to set one on the path of eating differently after the surgery. For a week before the surgery one is on an all liquid diet. After the surgery one is on a liquid diet and gradually goes back to solid food. After six weeks one goes in and has the first injection to tigten the band. If that doesn't work one goes back after a month and has it done again. The goal is to be able to eat small amounts and get full earlier therefore eating MUCH less and weight loss occurs. The surgery is reversible, unlike gastrobypass surgery. So, if weight loss is acheived the band can be removed and no harm no foul. Hopefully, by that time eating habits have been established and no weight gain occurs. Or the saline in the band can be removed so that at a later date if weight gain does occur, the band can be used again.
In theory it is all well and good. Except that watching a loved one NOT eat is difficult. And having that concern thrown at you under the guise of "I have discipline" is hurtful. I did not qualify for the band. I was fat but not fat enough. I have lost about fourty pounds in two years. She has lost 70 in six months. It has also triggered something in her head and she is at the gym for about four hours five days a week.
She has had three fills, I should have put my foot down and said no to the last fill. She claims to eat all the time, I make her breakfasts and lunches and see what comes home. I watch her at dinner and see that most nights she doesn't even eat dinner. I am struggling and am hungry and fall off the diet wagon all the time. I want to yell at her, ok if you have so much discipline take the damn thing out! Struggle with me, don't shrug my struggle off and treat it as though I am just not doing enough. Don't not eat all day long and try to tell me you do. A yogurt and an apple is not eating.
At the core: I'm jealous because I wanted the lapband. I wanted the struggle to be taken away. I wanted to be full after A hamburger patty. But would that have been enough to get me into the gym four hours a day? I don't know. I would like to think that seeing the changes I would work really hard to see more changes. (Which, in all fairness, is probably happening with Honey!) I just want an acknowledgement that while it may not be easy for her, it is easier. I know all of this makes me the worst person ever. The person I love is healthier and looks great and all I can think about is me. I suck.

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